Any sufficiently bad stock outage is indistinguishable from growth. – Mike Welsh

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Mike Welsh. Man of mystery. Man of many hats. Man of many snacks…vegetarian snacks no less – surprised? Thought so. But that’s nothing; hold on to your hat(s). Mike’s story is one hell of a ride.

Born to an Irish mother, Mike Welsh is nothing short of a legend in rural Ireland, where he is known as “the Gombeen”; a word which Mike is convinced means “wall”. Growing up on the mean streets of whatever town he knows you haven’t been to, Mike quickly became a local hard man and source of fascination due to his rotund shape, so alien and grotesque to soft southern Irish eyes.

In his hometown Mike is often referred to as “the Well”, due to the inexhaustable well of stories he can tap at a moment’s notice. Reality, fiction and hope all blend in this well to make an intoxicating brew of bullshit and hysteria that can sometimes pass as truth after a few pints of Guiness.

After many years cultivating a reputation for driving businesses into the ground, Mike found himself feeling a little lost in the heady days of late 2010. His wife had left him, women found him repulsive, and his local supermarket had recently raised the price of brie. His relationships were all slipping through his buttery fingers like…butter.

On top of all this hardship, Mike’s final business had closed. The reasons were many and contradictory: Mike closed it to prevent his wife gettng any money, he had all his staff poached, and he ate all the stock (they sold blueberries or something). These were dark days for Mike. Then, just as the night was darkest, the sun began to rise…

One morning, while he was sat on a park bench eating a block of raw halloumi from the packet, Mike noticed a group of men entering a building wearing strange robes; beautiful, majesterial, elegant robes that pojected power and secrecy and raw sexual energy. Aroused, Mike hungrily gobbled down his cheese like some mad, greedy squirrel and scurried inside after the robed princes.

What happened next is anyone’s guess. All we know for sure is that Mike Welsh emerged that day from the dark dungeons of the masonic order a new man, like a fat moth slouching out of its slimey, disgusting cocoon.

Probable fedora-wearer Mike used his newfound status to make a new life for himself. He launched himself into the supplement industry in mid-2011, instantly becoming an expert despite having no experience in the market whatsoever. Experience is worthless, Mike realised; what matters is the time spent as a vegetarian – 30 YEARS!

His time in the supplement industry has been nothing but spectacular. He has hurtled forward so fast that the lights have become a blur, just as they do when driving very fast in a sports car you definitely, definitely owned. There have been hiccups along the way, but each time Mike has only had to briefly pull the car over, collect his priase and his cheque, before putting his foot straight back on the gas.

Likely Battlestar Galactica fan Mike has been called many things throughout his life. Hero. Villain. Magician. Lover. Maestro. Minstrel (mmmm, Minstrels). A human Dunning-Kruger Graph. Gabhdán. Obese. A cunt.

But in truth, none of these words can fully capture Mike, simply because he is too large to fit inside a single word. Mike is, in reality, all of these things. He is a messy, contradictory pile of adjectives. A wall of epithets if you will, each one a vital brick, without which we would not have the honour of knowing the man.

The myth.

The legend.

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THE WALL